


Too long till I drown in your hands

by startariot



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Break Up, Fate, Flashbacks, Fluff, Fluff and Smut, Friendship/Love, Getting Back Together, High School, Holidays, Love Confessions, M/M, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-09
Updated: 2017-01-09
Packaged: 2018-09-16 00:59:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,188
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9266696
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/startariot/pseuds/startariot
Summary: Louis Tomlinson is celebrating his graduation with his best friend Liam on a tropical island when fate decides to play him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, everyone!  
> This isn't my first time as a writer but it is my first time here on ao3 with a larry fic so I hope y'all like it! 
> 
> I'm from Italy and I usually post my stories on an italian website but I thought I could give this one a go so I translated it.  
> Please let me know your impressions and if you'd like to read more from me (I have tons of fics to share with you guys) xx 
> 
> (p.s. If someone knows Italian you can find all my fics here -- http://www.efpfanfic.net/viewuser.php?uid=622047)

TOO LONG TIL I DROWN IN YOUR HANDS 

 

 

 

 

_But a dream like this gets wasted without you_

_Under the pressure is where we are_

_Under the pressure, yea it's where we are babe_

He never thought something like this could happen here.

_Never in a million years._

If someone were to bring it up a few years earlier, he would laugh at them complimenting for their fantasy because something like that could never happen.

However, it seemed that fate was having a good laugh at his expense because — let’s be honest for a moment here — how many people could he run into while on holiday on an unknown tropical island? _Hundreds_ of strangers — of course — _tons_ of people from every part of the world.

He never would have dreamed of such a thing. Clearly, fate was playing him — because meeting the one person he hated them most wasn’t part of the plan. Not at all.

Well, before that, he was the most important person in his life but this is an insignificant detail.

But here he is now, sat in a corner of the club of the hotel he was staying at, praying that _Harry Styles_ wouldn’t notice him. The distance between them had given him the opportunity to look at him properly:  he has changed over the years, obviously; he was wearing a patterned brown-yellowish suit that  highlighted his perfectly dry and defined shapes. His fact way, though — they didn’t change that much. That suit was clearly out of his league — he prefers sneakers and worn out pair of jeans — but even he can admit that it came from some high couture boutique, he can clearly see it’s some brand piece of clothing. His hair was way much longer than he remembered, fluffy and all but less curly but by no means less handsome.

And, yes, that though is inappropriate. He should stop thinking about the way he used to fit his hands in those hair, how much he wants to do it now but he can’t really help himself now, can he?

_Wonder if he still smells of vanilla,_ he thought biting his tongue afterwards.

His features were more pronounced than he remembered, he had a much more defined jaw now, smile always so damn bright. _He really hates him._

He saw him chitchatting with those he assumed were his friends — at least they looked friendly but then again, Harry is always been so polite and warm with everyone — while he swallowed god-knows-how-many cocktails. He can’t help but wonder if he still was a lightweight when it came to alcool.

_God, he hates him._

He didn’t have time to look at him more than that because Liam approached him with a sly smile on his lips. «Guess what?»

«What? What’s your pick tonight?» he asked with resignation. The things is, he really loves Liam, he’s a brother to him but he can be quite reckless while clubbing; he can be the cheekiest guy in the planet. And the best thing was that it was his best shot because everyone fell at his feet. Anyone but him, though.

That’s why they became friends in the first place, five years earlier. Louis had just moved to London at the time, they met at a New Year’s Eve party where Liam tried to pull him off failing miserably because _Louis never liked blondies._

«The most handsome guy in the club and guess what? He just asked for us at his table….look, it’s over there» he said pointing towards the opposite direction and Louis’ jaw literally dropped when he realized who _that-handsome-guy_ was.

Zayn Malik — king of assholes —  was sitting right next to Harry; truth to be told, he was impossibly beautiful and he wasn’t really surprised that he was Liam’s pick for the night. He was just his type. «Liam, I don’t think it-» words died in his throat when he realized he didn't know what to say to him. He knew nothing about _Harry_ and he wasn't going to deal with _that_ right now; actually, he didn’t want to deal with it in the first place so he decided to avoid the problem. _It didn’t have to be so complicated, after all._

He wondered how he managed to not notice him before, though — since he was straight away looking at their table for lord knows how long.

«Come on, Lou…you’ve been sitting on this stool the whole night.» _yeah, guess why —_ he thought without saying it out loud. «I am sure it will perfectly stand without your help» Liam’s eyes were literally shining in anticipation. «You may find someone there too, I think I saw-» it would be quite funny if that _someone_ Liam saw was Harry, wouldn’t it? Fate was really messing with him that night.

«You know what? Why don’t you just catch ‘em …. I do not feel very we- » he was really trying to sound convincing, but knew he was failing miserably. He’s never been good at lying; and he remembers quite well that his dream when he was a child was to be an actor. _Life sucks._

_«_ I’m not taking _no_ for an answer, Tommo» Liam said, then he took him by the wrist dragging him through the crowd and Louis found himself hoping that the evening did not turn into a complete disaster.

Liam went straight up to Zayn. «He is Louis» Liam introduced him out loud. The two guys turned to him and he saw them whiten. They all fell into an uncomfortable silence: Louis was playing nervously with his fingers while the two boys seemed to studying him.

«I'm Zayn», the brunette said, standing up and facing him. Then he held out his hand, pretending not to know him at all. He was quite good at this. Louis decided to play along, so he squeezed back.

«Harry, nice to meet you», curly did the same thing, but their handshake was on a another level. Harry's skin was warm and silky, his grip strong and firm, and Louis remembered it _all too well_. His voice had not changed at all, it had become perhaps more hoarse and low.

Suddenly, Louis wondered if Harry was thinking the same thing, if he was remembering something.

_Anything_. «Nice to meet you too, I’m Louis.»

——————————————

He never imagined that the evening would end that way and - _most importantly_ \- he never imagined that he would have ended up drunk and set next to Harry Styles, who seemed focused on ignoring him, after a brief exchange of post-presentation jokes.

He had been able to observe him better, up close, and he was quite surprised to see how much he hadn’t changed. He was always his quirky-self, the one who made jokes that no one laughed at. But, Louis found himself laughing at them like no time has passed at all.

He was always the one who never stopped talking when he took his whack, the one that began to seek attention from everyone when alcohol took over him.

But it was a shame that he seemed to be seeking the attention of anyone except him; Still, he wasn’t that surprised.

From the moment they met, Liam had done nothing but be with Zayn; They were secluded on the couch in the dim light and god only knew what they were not doing. « Round of body shots, anyone?» Liam proposed reappearing from the shadows with a bottle of tequila in his hand and _no, it’s out of the question_ , was the first coherent thought that crossed Louis' mind.

«Liam I do not think that-» he gave Harry a furtive glance who was sitting not that far from him with one eyebrow raised and his eyes on Liam and Zayn — that had just appeared behind him, messed up hair and a barely buttoned shirt.

«Oh, Tommo stop being so taxing» he said. Then he put some small glass cup on the table in front of them with pieces and bits of lemon and salt.

_This won’t end up well_ , Louis thought.

He was considering the idea of standing up and running away from the club because he knew for sure he was going to make a terrible mistake but he was too tired and drunk to stand up.

«Who wants to start?» Harry whispered through clenched teeth. Louis’ head spun instantly in his direction and, just for a moment, their eyes met. His eyes were too shiny — and beautiful —  and Louis thought that he would have never asked that question, if he had been sober.

«Us!» Zayn exclaimed out loud enveloping Liam’s wrist in his hand.

Oh, _this isn’t good._

The brunette made him sit on one of the couches, put a bit 'of salt on his hand and let him lick it away and then within a few seconds he snapped lemon and downed the shot of tequila. Then capsized roles, but this time Liam dropped the shot of tequila on his neck and Zayn was forced to lick it off of it.

They were definitely drunk, Louis decided. "Your turn now" Zayn slurred his words after stealing a kiss from Liam’s lips.

«What? I can- » actually, he couldn’t even think straight. _What was he supposed to say? That he didn’t want to share those shots with Harry when in fact it was all he wanted to do?_ His thoughts were stopped by the touch of a warm hand who leaned on his wrist to bring it closer to himself.

Fortunately, he had decided to wear a normal t-shirt that night. he caught Harry’s eye s for a moment, they seemed almost relieved because he easily found the portion of his  skin where he poured the right amount of salt.

He heard him just linger for a but, he saw him alternate his gaze between his neck and his face, but then approached him slowly, and eventually put his soft lips on his skin.

When he felt his tongue licking off every little grain of salt with extreme precision, he really thought he could die right there. He felt every little movement of Harry’s tongue on him and every touch sent him electric shocks down his spine.

He thought that sweet torture was over but Harry surprised him once again. Instead of biting into lemon, he decided to drop a few drops of it on his skin, using the same spot he used a few moments earlier. He felt his hand position behind the back of his head while his fingers gripped a few strands of his hair, as if he was trying to bring him closer to himself, as if he thought that Louis could stop that moment. _Impossible_.

Harry's tongue touched his skin again and he looked up in his eyes; that right there was the most erotic scene that Louis had ever seen in his life. He felt his skin burning under his mouth and then he completely lost contact with reality. It didn’t last too long though  — to his misfortune. Harry turned away abruptly and downed the tequila within seconds. «Your turn, Tomlinson» blew about two and a half centimeters away from his mouth, making sure that no one had noticed that nickname.

Louis turned slightly, looking at Liam and Zayn but they both seemed too wrapped up in each other to notice what had just happened between them. _Good_. He bit his lower lip, unsure of how to behave; he felt Harry's eyes on him and knew he could not wait any longer. He didn't really want to do it anyway.

Harry's eyes were bright and blown from the alcohol and Louis knew that his own weren’t that different. His lips looked redder, and Louis wondered if it was the fault of the lemon, salt, or the pressure with which he kissed and licked his skin.

He approached him cautiously, still sitting on the couch. But when he found himself right  in front of him, he noticed a little detail: Harry was wearing a black shirt, all buttoned up. He bit his lower lip, arching an eyebrow, unsure of how to do it. Then he put his hands on his shirt, up to the top button and Harry’s hands were on his and their hands began to unfasten the first button.

Louis's eyes snapped at him, Harry seemed weirdly serious and loosened one by one the buttonholes of his jacket without looking away. Every button leaping away, left a portion of his skin bare and _god, he remembered everything so damn well._

When the shirt was undone, Louis had full view of his naked body and swallowed repeatedly, his mouth suddenly dry. The first thing that struck his eyes was the tattoo that covered his perfectly sculpted chest. Two swallows, of different sizes and pointing towards each other. For a second he crossed his eyes and seemed almost sad, but it was too drunk to pay attention to it. He was probably wrong, anyway.

He did exactly everything that Harry had done to him, and when his lips came near to Harry's skin, his breath stopped completely. Alcohol was definitely clouding his senses but memory was so difficult to turn off, he had never been able to turn it off. And Louis could remember his taste: it was mint and old coffee, it was strong but sweet at the same time, it was _so Harry’s_ that he couldn’t really erase it from his memory, even if he tried.

His hands went to the sides of the other's neck, pulling more and more each time and Harry let him do it, as if he was just waiting to be touched by him. He let out a dissatisfied groan - _he didn’t imagine it, did he?_ \- when Louis moved away from him,  reaching for the glass of tequila and swallowing it one sip.

When he withdrew from Harry — sitting again on the couch — his head started to spin.

He blamed the alcohol for that.

——————————————

_Harry hated proms. Too many couples, too much glitter and too little alcohol. It was certainly not his fault that his sister Gemma literally begged him to go with her because it was her last year and she didn’t want to go there alone. Apparently, no one caught her attention enough to become her date, so she turned to her little brother._

_He even hated elegant suits, in fact he didn't own one. He had opted for an easy grey pinstriped trousers and a black shirt. Some things needed to be done with style._

_The room was full of people, free from tables and chairs that surrounded the entire room, instead; they were all decorated with lilac tablecloths and ribbons. He looked at the ceiling: there were threads that were woven between them and the small lights of stars created some kind of geometric pattern. It was like being under a rain of stardust._

_«I'm sure you are looking for me» a soft voice whispered too close to him, distracting him from his thoughts. Initially, Harry did not know whether to blame the alcohol that led him to hear non-existent voices, or if that voice really was talking to him._

_«I'm sure they do not know what you're talking about» he answered without even turning towards him._

_«You’ve been looking around all night.. I noticed you, you know?» he couldn’t stand  teasing. Impatiently, he turned to meet the boy and send him away, but his voice gave out as soon as he really looked at his figure._

_The guy was shorter than him. He had messed up brown hair and a slight fringe that partially covered his face; he was wearing a grey short-sleeved shirt with a small writing on it,_ **_not heartbroken_ ** _, a couple of slightly worn out black skinny jeans, too tight for Harry's taste. He had thin red lips curved into a slight grimace, blown pupils that toned down the brilliant blue of his eyes. He looked like an angel with that smile on his face, but Harry knew exactly that his intentions were anything but angelic._

_«Well, did the cat bite your tongue?» the stranger asked stepping toward him._

_«I don’t like talking to strangers» Harry admitted._

_«What are you doing in a room full of people, then? It is a prom, isn’t it?» the blue-eyed boy asked, the sly smile still on his face._

_«You're not going to give up, are you?» Harry's eyes were scrutinizing his figure. The more he looked at him, the more he seemed astonishingly beautiful to him._

_«I'm not a quitter, no» he whispered back. His smile grew even more at that and Harry saw something shining on his tongue._

_«Do you have a piercing?» Harry muttered almost amazed._

_«Am I risking something here? Will I get arrested for it?» the boy said, pretending to be worried._

_«I've never been a big fan of piercings» he confessed, almost in disgust, ignoring the strange warmth spreading in his stomach._

_The blue-eyed boy remained silent for a moment. “…but you could become one" he whispered persuasively, he was so close that Harry could feel his cold breath on his face. He was angry, almost disturbed by his behavior but he could not get away from him. He felt like a puppet and no matter how much he tried to move away and put some distance between them, it seemed that those blue eyes didn’t allow him to._

_It was frustrating._

_«Let’s dance» he suggested a drop away from his face. He didn’t have time to argue and to tell him that no, he would not dance with him - that the stranger took him by the wrist leading him through the crowd. It seemed that he was searching for a spot in the room._

_When the boy seemed to find what he was looking for, he turned to him facing Harry with a triumphant smile on his face._

_«I love this song» he blew slyly and Harry snorted loudly at that but every single one of his thoughts disappeared when the boy placed his hands on his hips._

_Baby, let's cut down the lights_

_I just really wanna let this fire burn bright_

_I'm just telling you to have an open mind_

_«Just imagine us» he breathed into his ear finishing the verse of the song. He moved slowly against him, their bodies were barely touching but Harry could feel the warmth of his body against him and suddenly found himself wishing he could remove the distance between them._

_He did so, he put his hands on the soft sides of the smallest boy and brought him to himself and everything else seemed completely forgotten._

_In that room full of people , they only had eyes for each other._

_Their eyes were focused on one other, careful on every change of expression. Every now and then their gaze fell on each other's lips, but neither of them dared to make a move._

_Harry felt the cold breath of the boy below his chin and that was torture. He wanted to take away the grin from his face with kisses, he wanted to kiss him with everything he had but it was wrong and he was scared. Their bodies continued to move in sync, they were aligned and just kept brushing against each other; occasionally, the blue-eyed boy touched Harry's neck with the tip of his nose to tease him, and Harry was moving his hands on the other's back with slow, rhythmic moves._

_Suddenly, the stranger put his hand on the back of his neck to stroke his hair and Harry thought he wouldn’t make it out alive from that ballroom._

_That boy was too much and his eyes were too shiny._

_You're taking me there, you're taking me there_

_Our lips are barely touching_

_So do it again, so do it again_

_We could be on to something_

_Something changed at that._

_Harry was the first one to close the distance between them: he crashed their lips in a chaste kiss, without thinking about it._

_His hands ran to the side of his face to keep him close; the other boy raised a hand and grabbed his back throwing himself at him. Their tongues popped out immediately searching for each other, and Harry felt almost immediately the cold metal of his piercing against his tongue; that sent what felt like an electric shock along his spine._

_Okay, maybe the boy was right and he was starting to like it._

_When the stranger bit his lips, light smile appeared on his lips but neither of them seemed willing to break away from the other. There was no space left between their bodies now, his left leg Harry was between his and brushed occasionally his crotch, making him sigh with pleasure._

_Heyo, heyo, I just wanna feel your body on me_

_Heyo, heyo, if you want it then you got it, hold me_

_No more, no more wasting time_

_We can, we can go all night_

_Ten minutes later, they were on the rooftop and Harry could not explain how they managed to do it but right now — while unknown’s hands continued to caress his body as if it was the most beautiful thing in the world — he couldn’t care less._

_Harry's hands ended up in his hair to keep him as close as possible; they were smooth and extremely soft as his lips, and it seemed like it was the only thing he could pay attention to._

_When they ended up on his neck, the boy began to kiss and nibble at one point in particular. He could hear his teeth against her skin, then his tongue was licking the  same area, as if he was trying to heal a wound._

_But, that torture was far from unpleasant. All he could feel was the warmth of his body against him, and he found himself hoping to be sober enough to enjoy his attentions._

_But then again, he thought that he would have never known the boy in the first place without alcohol. This made him realize that he did not even know his name. «I do not even know your name» he sighed between a groans and kisses._

_«'S-Louis» he whispered soothing on his skin and that made it almost impossibile to hear._

_«Harry» he answered back, kissing him again. «Maybe we- maybe we should, well, I —» he began without really knowing what to say._

_How could he think straight when Louis kept nibbling at his neck like that?_

_He didn’t finish that sentence but the other one still got his intentions: after a few minutes, he loosened his grip, moving away from him. They both gasped and Harry looked into his eyes._

_His eyes were so blue, bright and beautiful. The most interesting eyes that Harry had ever seen and he was wondering why he had never noticed that guy walking around._

_They ended up sitting on the ground: Harry cross-legged with Louis folded on his lap. It seemed so right, felt so comfortable. With the light to enlighten his face, Harry could see him better._

_And god, if he was beautiful._

_«Well then, tell me something about you .. » Louis said holding a cigarette between his lips._

_«You smoke?» Harry asked, ignoring the other's request._

_Louis raised an eyebrow, but then his lips parted in a smile. «You don’t say» he laughed out loud. «You do get along with cigarettes now, don’t you?» Harry truly hated him._

_«No, I don’t» he said dryly._

_«Well, you might also like them, sooner or later» — and his nasty tone made him wonder if he noticed his strangled moans every time his tongue met his damn piercing._

_They spent the night talking: Harry discovered that Louis was only 18 and attending the same school; He was last year and wondered how could Gemma not notice him. Louis had four sisters and a little brother; after school he worked in a small bar not far from his home. Louis discovered Harry’s passion for English literature and vinyls; they found out the lived a few miles away from each other — and how is it that they have not met earlier, it’s a mistery._

_Fate — they both thought but none of them said it out loud._

_Harry returned home drunk but with a shy smile on his lips._

_After all, proms are not that bad — he thought while falling asleep that night._

_————————————_

Statistics show that the best thing about an hangover in 90% of cases is that the  subject doesn’t remember anything the following day.

Too bad that Louis seemed to be an exception to the rule. He remembered _everything_ and — honestly — he could not understand how he managed to end up in that situation and how he managed to fall for it again.

He probably will forgive and forget what happened in a matter of days —  but Liam decided to screw things up all over again. It’s not really his fault if he likes Zayn and starts seeing him regularly during their holiday but it really is.

And of course, Zayn had to organize a bloody party on his yacht. Yes, a yacht — because apparently Zayn Malik was on holiday on the damn tropical island with his friend on his personal yacht, and he invited them both to the party because he decided to be polite enough with him too.

Oh god, he was clearly having an allergic reaction to the universe.

Or the universe was simply hating on him for something he did in the past.

Looking at it now, showing up at Zayn and Harry's table as if nothing had happened and without telling the truth to Liam had been a really bad idea. To be carried away with a round of body shots was even worse.

He remembered perfectly the first time he had been drinking tequila, licking salt and lemon from someone's body. Even then, that someone was Harry.

It seemed to him that everything he’s done in his life for the first time included Harry.

Truth to be told, he remembered every single thing he had done with Harry. Even their first real kiss; he even remembers that he had run away embarrassed. He was nineteen, raging hormones and all that and Harry was just there. He became his best friend in the blink of an eye and he was his first kiss with feelings.

Louis was quite sure he was the one he only had feelings for, for starters.

Not that he ever regretted that kiss, but the fear of ruining their relationship had kept him from sleeping for five nights until Harry showed up at his door.

And things would really have gone well if they were not so different from each other.

Louis always wanted to be a cartoonist, Harry preferred the tranquility of a normal life in a villa without too much caos.

Actually Louis didn’t even know why things between them ended, he could not even remember when they were finished, because there had never been a furious querrel, or an "it's over" screamed out loud.

Everything went just off and he still doesn’t know now who threw water on the fire first. _Ironic_.

«Wow, it's huge» Liam said by his side when they saw the yacht for the first time.

It was really huge. If they thought it was lovely from the outside, when they boarded, they both widened their eyes in surprise. The environment was big, but not too much; there were white leather sofas here and there but the living room was really breathtaking: there was a real table with six chairs around it, a huge television and a couple of sofas arranged in front of it. In the corner, a board full of music discs and vinyl records.

«You should close your mouth, you could catch flies» Harry called him out with sarcasm. If there was something he hated, these were the arrogant people.

Besides, Louis hated whenever Harry called him out.

His friends laughed at his joke, and Louis could see one of them in particular pull a slight nudge on Harry's side to draw his attention. He was thin and tall, almost as much as he was; he had a sly grin on his face and Louis ended up hating him — and he did not even know his name.

«Then uh- Liam, Louis, these are Nick, Barbara and Niall» he said presenting the two boys to his friends. He was surprised by Zayn’s manners, he seemed the only one there interested in making things right. He had never been so peaceful and polite, maybe he was doing it just for Liam.

They were not that far from the shore and the only thing that Louis wanted to do was leaving, but he couldn’t swim.

He would never admit his limit in front of others - this is the thing. Anyone besides Liam and his family, in fact, knew that little secret.

He wasn’t afraid of water — truth is he had always lived in places so far away from the sea and had never felt the need to take swimming lessons.

«So, why are you here on holiday?» He couldn’t understand why, but Louis didn’t like Nick’s tone. Besides, he couldn’t keep his hands off Harry's legs and it was starting to bother him.

Not that he was jealous, of course, but it was terribly annoying — and rude.

«Oh, Tommo here graduated last month and decided to take me on holiday with him to celebrate» he felt Barbara almost squeak next to him, probably softened by the news and Louis cocked an eyebrow at him, almost amused.

«Oh! Congratulations, lad! Who are we talking to right now, then…?» — Niall was definitely the nicest of the three, Louis decided.

«With the new Marvel cartoonist» he announced proudly and suddenly felt all eyes on him. Harry’s eyes, though, were burning hot on his skin; they were so heavy he had to turn to him.

«But Marvel is not ...» it was the first time that Harry spoke and his eyes immediately snapped at him.

«In New York, yes. I’m moving to the city the next month or so»  Harry’s expression was impossible to read. He didn’t even care.

«Man, you hadn’t tell me! Fuck, it is great!» Liam exclaimed while hugging him for a moment.

«Yeah, I had contacted a long ago to have my work inspected. I received an email yesterday» he admitted returning his embrace.

«Shit, I love comics» Zayn exclaimed enthusiast, and that was something. Louis turned in his direction, astonished by his behavior. Maybe this was just a new Zayn. «So, you could be the cartoonist of my next favorite comic? Cool!» it was weird to hear him speak like that, it seemed almost a nerd.

«Let’s take this slow» Louis said, raising his hands « I maybe just bring photocopies in an underground office and goodbye comics» he exclaimed ironically. Everyone laughed at his joke, except for Harry that was leaning on Nick's body, who had an arm around his shoulders. _Ew._

Okay, maybe he was starting to get a bit jealous.

———————————

 

_«Ew, gross» Louis muttered between his teeth watching that scene._

_They were at a party - like every Saturday - and he was sitting on a couch with a weird cocktail in his hand. Harry, on the other side of the living room, was standing near the counter where a blondie was serving drinks and did nothing but throw glances and smiles at him. He swore he could vomit at any moment, and not because of the alcohol._

_«What’s wrong?» Zayn didn’t say much, but he always knew what to say and when to do it. Simple but effective._

_«Nothing» Louis muttered back._

_«Well, it doesn’t seem like it. Why are you eyes-shooting the blondie next to Harry? They’re just talking» Zayn said politely._

_«Talking? You do realize she’s just trying to get into his pants, right?»_

_«And this is something you want to do instead» the brunette beside him blew out. Louis gasped._

_«What? I don't..» Suddenly, it became almost impossible to speak._

_«Don’t lie to me» the boy began putting his hand in front of his face, as if to stop him. «I know you have a crush on him»_

_He never thought that it was so blatant. He had always tried to be discreet: to check that he was all right when no one was paying attention, he’s always been more delicate with him — but not too much — when their bodies touched, he wouldn’t stare too much. He had always been sure that his crush on Harry was safe and that no one had noticed, but he was clearly wrong._

_«But, I wonder, why didn’t you just tell him?» Zayn whispered thoughtfully, taking the glass he had in his hands to his lips._

_«He's my best friend, Zayn.»_

_«As if nothing had happened between the two of you before. He would die for you, Lou» he muttered ironically._

_«It’s not the same thing. I'm pretty sure it's not in the same way that I’d die for him»_

_«You can’t be that sure, though, can you?» No, of course he couldn't._

_But._

_What if things didn’t go as planned? What if he ended up losing Harry?_

_«I'd rather have him in my life as a friend than losing him forever» he whispered with resignation. Zayn, sat on the other side of the couch, ended up thinking that he hated how stubborn he was. But he didn't say that out loud._

_«I knew I’d find you here» Harry's voice came out low and husky. He shivered closing his eyes, he was not sure that was because he was on the rooftop of his house at three in the morning._

_«Oh yeah?» He breathed in the cold air of November without really looking at him. His eyes were focused on a tree not far from him._

_«Yes, you always come here when there is something wrong» he confessed, his voice too close now. «And I can always tell when there is something wrong with my best friend» he said softly._

_Best Friend, here it is what was wrong._

_It sounded so bad on his lips, but he could not tell him.  «I'm just a bit tired, that's all» he barely replied raising his shoulders._

_«And is it your lack of sleep that brings you here at three in the morning, Lou?» His hand rested on the delicate shoulder._

_«Harry I don-»_

_«Why won’t you just tell me, Lou?» He asked all of a sudden._

_I don’t want to lose you — he thought, but did not tell him.  «How did it go with that blondie? She looked pretty interested» Louis whispered trying to change the subject. He could not accept any more questions or else he could explode._

_But Harry clearly wanted to continue their conversation and his words didn’t fool him. So he sat right in front of him. Eye to eye, blue into green and their faces were so close that Louis stopped breathing._

_«Louis why don’t you just tell me what's wrong? And why can not I know? Why will not you tell me about it dam- » the question died on his lips because Louis closed the distance between them urgently, running a hand behind his neck and pulling him close as much as possible._

_Harry's lips were soft and warm against his, just like he remembered them —  although it was quite cold and they were in full November. He let their mouths just brush against each other, they were soft as snowflakes and hot as chocolate.  «And 'this is wrong, Harry» Louis blew on his lips as soon as he found courage to move away from him and open his eyes._

_Then he jumped up and walked quickly towards the emergency door that would lead him to his house, leaving Harry confused and with the fingertips lingering on his lips. They were both  so confused and well aware that that was not the first intimate contact between the two of them but it was so different from the previous one. It felt like taking a chance on something deeper than what they already had, like jumping off a cliff with your eyes closed because you know exactly who will catch you. It felt right, but they were both young and scared to admit it out loud._

_—————————————_

Two hours had been more than enough. He was back in his room for about ten minutes, he left Liam in the hotel lobby with Zayn and the rest of the group; Louis was not in the mood to drink that night, he just wanted to get rid of those annoying jeans and bury himself between the sheets of his bed.

He waited for a few minutes for hot water to run in the shower, he threw himself into it letting the water calm his nerves. He was just too tense, he needed to calm down.

When he came out, he wrapped a towel around his waist rubbing his hair with it first; he always liked to leave his hair wet after showering.

When his sheets were too close to comfort, and he was about to throw himself on his bed, someone knocked at the door. At first he thought that he could pretend nothing and not go to open but then he did it. «Liam I really do-» the words died in his throat when he found himself in front of Harry's green eyes and soon realized to be covered by a simple towel; his whole body exposed to the boy in front of him. Nothing that he had never seen before, anyway. «What are you doing here?» he exclaimed completely taken aback. «You don't have anybody to spend your evening with? Nick maybe..» he spat out venomously, unable to control his voice. He had always had trouble biting his tongue.

«Nick? What? No, I-» he stopped in mid-sentence, and Louis would have given anything to know what was going through his head. «None of your business,  anyway» he snapped.

«No, indeed» he seriously agreed.

«I came here because I think we should talk -uhm-» for the first time since they met again, Harry seemed hesitant, almost embarrassed in front of him.

«What should we talk about? There is nothing to s-»

«You do know, Louis» his voice was dry and low.

«And what makes you think I want to talk about it now? After five years, Harry, really?» He snapped, raising his arms to the ceiling and stepping back into his room. The boy followed him into the room.

«Lou, I don-»

«Don’t ‘Lou’ me!!» The truth is, Louis didn't want answers anymore, it’s been so long. It’s been too long.  «Don't you dare, Harry»

They fell into a heavy silence. Louis looked at him, and vice versa, but none of them dared to make a move. «I never wanted things to end up that way» he confessed.

Harry dropped the bomb but then Louis exploded. «You can’t come here and tell me this now, Harry. You can’t just-» he stopped, just before Harry could hear that his voice was about to break.

«I did it for you, Louis. For us..» he said, clearing his throat. «I know that you probably won’t understand what my motives were but come on, Louis, we were so damn different. I loved you but-»

«Stop, right there!» he said out loud. «You can't. You can't come here, after five years» where I never heard a word from you — he wanted to shout but he didn't «..and tell me you were in love with me, and that you did it for me. I won’t let you, Harry» Louis was angry. No, furious was the right word to describe him. «You can't come here after five years of silence...» he said, pointing a finger at his chest.

«It’s the truth, Louis» Harry blew out uncertain. «You won’t probably accept it, or you don’t want to accept it but it is»

Louis saw red.

«You're a selfish asshole, Harry Styles! I spent years thinking about what the fuck I did to you, where I had gone wrong with you because really ... what happened between us, Harry? I don’t even know it myself» he shouted.

«Everything was so wrong around us, Louis. And we were so young and naive, we had different wishes and desires» Harry ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. «I thought that- I just thought it was the right thing for both of us. We couldn't have made it, you know that» he took a step towards Harry. «I preferred to be the one to let you go, because it was going to happen, you know it»

«You should have told me, God» Louis exclaimed exasperated. «You don't understand it as well, do you? You've never understood it because you're so fucking blind» he almost laughed thinking of telling him those same words, only a few years earlier. «I lov- I loved you, Harry» he corrected himself just in time. «You shouldn’t have decided for me, for us. I've always been there for you, Harry, we always promised each other nothing but the truth... do you remember?» Harry looked down for a moment, but then he gazed into Louis' eyes and he could swear that they were shiny.

«I remember everything, Louis.» And the boy was unable to avoid the crack in his voice, just like the one he heard in his chest. He wondered if Harry heard it too.

«All I ever wanted was the truth, Harry» he admitted softening the tone of his voice, his sad eyes were far too much to bear.

Louis realized that they were standing so close, more than they should have. He couldn't even remember when he got so close to him. They remained silent for a moment, they just looked at each other and - as it always happened between them - they were able to read their minds.

Five long years, fuck.

«I think you should go now» Louis whispered when he found the strength to break eye contact. Harry ran a hand through his hair and let out a sigh.

He nodded and before Louis could understand what was happening, Harry brushed his lips with his. Then he opened his eyes and his was already at the door.

Louis didn't stop him.

  


It was easy, falling for him when he was young and blind about what love really was. 

Maybe it was time for him to let go of the past.

Maybe he should let go of Harry Styles.  

—————————————

«I’ve had enough» Liam said in the silence of Louis’ room. «You’re going to tell me what's wrong now, I'm tired of seeing you like that and pretending that nothing is happening to you» he sighed heavily.

«Liam everything is fin-» pathetic attempt.

«Just don’t. You know? I don't think you're in any position to tell me that everything is fine» Liam’s voice was dry, severe almost. «We've been here for almost two weeks now, and it's almost a week that you're locked in this goddamn room for God knows what reason» — This holiday should have been the best trip of his life; instead, it turned into the worst nightmare of his life. And who was to blame?

Louis remained silent, what could he possibly answer to that?

He had been a fool to fall for it again, he was a fool for _him._ He wondered if he will ever learn his lesson, he wondered if he'll ever learn how not to fall for Harry Styles over and over again. Probably not — his mind suggested. 

«And when we met Zayn and Har- wait» Liam stopped, and Louis could perfectly see the moment when all the pieces of the puzzle fit into his mind. «They’re into this, aren’t they?»

Louis didn't dare to answer that question because he couldn't stop thinking about all the lies he told his best friend for a week and it made him feel terribly guilty. «I also have these funny  and vivid flashbacks about you and Harry that night — the night I met Zayn. So if you don't have the courage to tell me what's going on, I’m sure as hell going straight to the horse’s mouth»

Louis's eyes widened at that, so he decided to give up. «All right, you’re right.…I owe you an explanation and I’m going to tell you everything» he told him the truth worrying that it will turn Liam against Zayn — who had done nothing but be polite and friendly to him, in spite of everything.

He didn't allow himself time to think through it, though.

He just wanted to get rid of that enormous burden that is tightening his chest.

——————————

_A week after that stolen kiss Louis continued to feel like a lousy thief._

_He hadn't told anyone what had happened because what was there to say?_

_He had stolen a kiss from Harry, run away as the worst of the teenagers in the midst of an hormonal crisis and probably his best friend now (maybe ex-best friend) hated him and didn't want to hear from him ever again._

_A totally predictable and understandable cliché._

_Luckily, he had a fever so he wouldn't have to make up excuses after excuses not to leave his room. He hadn’t seen or heard anything from Harry since that day._

_Nothing at all, which made him feel even worse._

_There he was, wrapped up in his bed with Nickelback playing in his headphones._

_«I always thought I was too stubborn» at first, he thought his mind was making everything up, that he was in the middle of some kind of weird hallucination. The music of his iPod was so high that he could never hear anything or anyone outside. «But you got me beat there. And really, if there’s one thing I hate about you..let me say this» — No, there was no hallucination here._

_He opened his eyes slowly, afraid of what might be in front of hid eyes. «Harry..» he didn’t even noticed he had spoken until his name simply slipped away from his lips._

_«Why did you run?» He asked, and his tone seemed so innocent — God, was he really that blind? His eyes reached for Louis, as if he could somehow find the answers to his questions through them, but then his attention was drawn by the comic in his hands. «Still Spiderman?» he sighed with a slight smile on his face. Was it really what they needed right now? Gimmicks?_

_«What can I say, I love classics» Harry laughed softly, shaking his head. «And Peter and Mary Jane….well» he didn’t need to say anything else because Louis had told him this story too many times before._

_«Peter Parker is so stubborn» Harry answered for him, sitting on the edge of his bed, their legs were touching even if Louis was still wrapped under the blanket._

_«He’s in love with her and he wants to protect Mary Jane» he whispered seating himself at the center of the bed. «And she is so blind, anyway» he snorted._

_Harry's face snapped, their eyes met across the bed. He missed him so much._

_«I'm not sure that we are still talking about Parker and Watson» Harry admitted running a hand through his curls. He put one of his hands on Louis’ smaller one — the one resting on the cover of his comic. His skin burned under his touch, and the boy wasn't sure he could blame the fever for that. «Why didn’t you tell me, Lou?"» Harry's thumb stroked the delicate skin of his hand. «God, I feel like I am the big one here»_

_«Harry I d-»_

_«Do you have feelings for me?» He was sure that question would come — sooner or later — and he had been fighting so hard against himself for weeks to be ready, when the time had come._

_He simply nodded, looking away from Harry. «I mean, how can you not have feelings for you?» He admitted with resignation and a wistful smile on his face._

_He was ready now._

_He was ready to hear those words: ready to be told that he was just his best friend and didn't return his feelings, whatever they were._

_He was so focused on repeating that in his mind that he didn't even notice what was happening in front of him until he felt Harry's lips at the corner of his mouth, as if to ask his permission to kiss him for real._

_But Harry never needed permission, not with him; he had found the key to his heart and Louis wanted nothing more than that, he just wanted him to take care of it forever._

——————————

The pool water was heated, thank God. Louis was sitting on the edge, his legs almost completely submerged, he was wearing just a plain black costume.

Talking with Liam hadn’t brought any improvement; He was still there wondering how he managed to fall for Harry all over again in such a short time. He was so focused on hating him this all time he never really thought about forgetting him in the first place.

Love sucks. He remembered when he used to say those words while his mother was reading fairy tales to her sisters. And now he was there, on the edge of a swimming pool of a hotel with his legs dangling and his heart broken. He felt particularly stupid.

Fuck Love. Fuck everyone who says that love is easy.

Love is not easy.

Love is the hardest habit to break.

Harry was his best habit but soon became his worst vice.

He ran a hand through his hair in exasperation. Fuck Styles, only fools can fall for him and he was such a fool, wasn’t he?

He looked up, staring at the stars. When they were together, they'd tried so many times to count them. How many more times would he have to count them to fix his heart?

«I’m not making a fool of myself if I think I can win you back somehow now, am I?» his voice was calm and warm, Louis could even hear a smile in it.

The pool was completely empty. The sound of water in the pool and the wind ruffling the trees keep them company.

«Do you want me to lie?» he spat out almost poisonous.

«Well, I've always liked impossible things» he said and Louis saw him sit next to him on the edge of the pool with the corner of his eye. «There is one thing on which I wasn't clear the last time we spoke» Louis was silent, he merely even turn to him and noticed that he was playing with the edge of his jersey, he reminded him of a little boy. «I don’t just remember our promise, Louis» he whispered in the middle of the night, as if uncertain of what he had to - or wanted - to say. «I remember the first time you saw my room and told me it was disgusting because I had too many posters on the walls» Louis smiled faintly at the memory, careful to avoid being seen by the other boy. «I remember the first time we’ve seen the stars together, when we were both in detention and we climbed on the roof»  his heart skipped a beat because they were exactly the same things that he had tried to leave in the corner of his mind for so long but his heart refused to forget. «I remember our first embrace, and our first kiss, our first time and God, I remember all the first times we did something together because we've always been.." Harry's eyes were fixed on the bottom of the pool, as if he really was trying to concentrate on what to say. «And I'm sorry- I’m sorry I let you go when you needed me the most. I remember you, Lou. I remember how you made me feel, I remember us so well.»

Louis literally stopped breathing at that — or maybe he had died and not even realized it because every muscle had stopped moving. He didn't even know if he should have said something.

Suddenly he saw him wiping away a tear and his heart broke completely. He had always thought that he was the one who suffered the most between the two of them; he had never even remotely imagined that perhaps - somewhere in England - Harry had been able to go through the same things.

That thought made him feel guilty because he never wanted him to suffer because of him. «How did we get here, Harry? Where did we go wrong?»

«I suppose that Peter Parker hasn’t taught me anything at all» he admitted with a shrug. He said it like he was admitting some kind of crime. Yet, his only fault was  his love for Louis.

«Have you ever thought about how things would have turned out ... if all of this hadn't happened? Where would we be now, Harry?» He asked, and for once he let his heart speak, he laid his head on his shoulder, Harry just closed his eyes — breathing that familiar feeling in.

«We’d have a house somewhere, in London perhaps, we’d both be happy with it. You'd be exactly what you are because you've always been strong and determined. I knew you could make it — with or without me — I probably, uh, I probably would be a journalist because I am sure that you would have forced me to follow my dreams, you always supported me so much, Lou» with his eyes closed, he could almost see the life that Harry was describing for them. It was so easy for him, because that’s exactly what Louis used to daydream for them too. Truth to be told, he never stopped imagining it — it’s just that sometimes fantasy does not reflect reality.

«It would be enough just to have you back in my life now, Louis» he added taking a deep breath. «As a friend, as a best friend, as anything you want, but I'd hate to have seen you walk in my life again and hadn't done anything to make you stay» This time Louis’s heart chose for him and he believed him. Louis’ cheek was crossed by a silent tear and he didn't even bother to wipe it away. 

Before Louis could find the courage to speak, they spent several minutes.

«I can’t have you back in my life, Harry» the lump in his throat was getting heavier. «Not as a friend, not as an acquaintance because the truth is that I've tried so hard to forget you, Harry» he said with conviction. «I’ve tried to forgive and forget you for so long but the fact is that down here…» he said, giving a small tug at the center of the chest, next to his heart «someone is very stubborn and doesn't want to forget you. Probably he has never even tried» he admitted with a genuine smile.

Louis had always wondered at that time if Harry had ever thought of him, or if he had simply forgotten everything they shared. He had always wondered if he was all right, if he had realized his dreams. He was always carried away by the belief that he would go ahead, sooner or later, and that the wind would also shot in his favor, letting his heart forget.

But the wind could nothing if the heart had already found a safe haven in which to anchor and end his journey.

Harry's eyes sparkled when they met Louis’ ones, bluer than ever. «Things will never return as they were, at least not now» he said sincerely. Harry nodded, but took the liberty of bringing his face to his and to brush their lips together. Louis smiled.

Louis had once tried to count the pieces of his heart, but eventually he left it alone because he realized that they were endless. He had also considered the possibility that maybe - someone - sooner or later he would come and he would reassembled them.

But sometimes only those who have broken our hearts can transmit the pieces together, gluing them so perfectly to pass it off as a heart that had never been broken.

«Can we look at the stars now, Lou?» Harry suggested and this time he let Harry call him that. It was just an escaped whisper from his lips, but it sounded so right it warmed his heart.

 

****

 

**_  
_ **

**_Two months later_ **

 

**_  
_ **

«I'm home!» Louis exclaimed, he left the black leather briefcase next to the entrance, releasing a sigh.

«How did it go?» His voice was almost anxious as Louis was and he laughed because it was almost more concerned than him.

«They’re telling me next week» he announced with a smile. In fact, it was almost certain that the interview went well, but better not to say too much. «Yours?»

«I’m starting next week» the boy cried out happily, «I'm sure you will become their leader-cartoonist, Lou» he confessed on his lips untying the knot in his tie. Oh, those hands. «Tired?» He breathed freeing him from the jacket.

«I’m sure some cuddles won’t make me sick» Louis said with a sly grin on his face. He didn't need to say anything more because the boy dragged him into their bedroom, then pulled their faces together and made their lips collide slowly, as if they had all the time in the world. They had it, anyway.

Louis let out a strangled groan when his boyfriend's lips went down on his neck while his hands  unbuttoned his white shirt to have free access to his body. «Har - Harry ..» he heard him lick, nibble and suck his skin and he was sure that within a few hours he would find the purple spots.

Fortunately, talk weeks had just ended with his last job-interview.

«I'm quite sorry you’re no longer wearing your tongue piercing anymore, you know?» Harry blew persuasive in his ear, kissing the skin below his lobe afterwards.

They fell onto the mattress and Harry soon settled between his legs. They both sighed when their crotches came in contact  — although they were still covered by their useless pieces of cloth.

«Lou ..» It happened every time. Harry whispered his name like a silent prayer — like he was asking permission to strip him out of his clothes again — and Louis would just close his eyes because his voice was rough, and low. 

After a few minutes in fact, Harry had freed Louis from his clothes and the oldest  had done the same with Harry, trailing his fingers over every centimeter of skin exposed to his eyes.

He would never get used to that vision, to Harry’s body at his disposal. His boyfriend put his hands on his hips applying a light pressure on his skin; he placed his knees on either side of his body, towering him. He started kissing his chest slowly, pausing on the swallows lying on his chest with absolute devotion while Harry's words echoed in his mind. He remembered everything about that morning: they were lying on his bed just chilling, completely lost in each other’s presence when Harry said «It’s us, somehow. When you love someone, sometimes you have to let them go, but I wanted to keep a part of you with me. They point towards each other because I was sure that I would have found you again, sooner or later» each time, he couldn’t stop the heat that set his chest on fire whenever he looked at them. He couldn’t believe Harry chose to keep him.

Making love with Harry was probably his favorite thing in the world and he felt him every time more; he was everywhere and he couldn’t stop looking at him. He felt like he was dreaming and he was too scared of waking up.

You probably would never have forgiven thinking that Harry did not love him because he loved him, but he had all the world's time to make amends to him, even though Harry was convinced that he was the one who had something to apologize for.

Louis sank on the bed next to Harry, his arms wrapped around his waist; from their window, he could see the city and Empire State Building shining bright in the distance.

They had moved back to New York two months after their holiday: at first, things hadn’t been easy.

They never went back to how they were in the past but Louis learned how to trust Harry again. He didn’t need lessons on how to love him because he never stopped in the first place. He’s quite sure of that. 

Harry was still getting used to the feeling of waking up beside him every morning: he was so grateful Louis decided to forgive him but he still felt guilty from time to time.

Over time, he realized he learned something: he knows why he didn’t like comics as much ad Louis did — he didn't need comics when his favourite superhero was right beside him. 

  



End file.
